Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Self Portrait Challenge ~ Enclosed Spaces

Enclosed in a book! This past week I have been reading a lot about eating raw. I am on my third day of actually trying it.
more SPC's here

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Poetry Thursday ~ We're Free

This weeks poetry thursday is a free choice. This is a very old poem form college I found this week when I was cleaning house.


On Monday morning she
has heavy, black bags
under her eyes,
There's no food on the
table, or in the fridge anymore.

She walks slugglishly
around the house dreading
another day of tortuous

A cup of cold coffee in
hand, she stares into spcae
and lets out a sigh.

The small black and white
tv has jsut announcd
"more cutbacks", and there's
no hot water or heat to
compensate for the pain.

In six months more, jobs
will be available, the recession
perhaps at an end.
As she closes the door
tightly behind her and
turns the key.

~ Lisa 1991

more poems here

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Self Portrait Challenge ~ Enclosed Spaces

Stuck between the door and the screen calling to the dog.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Mirror Meditation ~ Monday

I began my mirror meditation again this weekend, after not participating all last week(bad me). I must say it is a real challenge. I have a hard time sitting still. I have tried time and time again in the past to meditate and could never seem to complete any sort of meditation for any length of time. Getting your mind to quiet is tough.

But I sat there for the past few days, for at least 10 minutes at a time and with each day it seemed a bit easier. In fact at some point I found it relaxing. Time to reflect and oddly enough, I just studied my face. I looked for every perfection and imperfection.

Yesterday, I decided to get a series of pictures of myself from the time I was young until now. I taped them to the mirror and did a comparison. Crazy as it is, though I have become older with each year, I still look exactly the same as I did when I was little. I remember always wanting to look my age. I figured looking my age in some respect would make people view me different, treat me different or show me a different type of respect as a true adult.

But as I looked at these pictures and compared them it really sunk in that what is on the outside, truly says nothing about what a person is on the inside.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Sunday Scribblings #20 ~ "Who Else Can I Still Be?"

Last week’s prompt had me in a completely different place and when I read this week’s my mind flooded with so many thoughts I wasn’t sure where to begin.

I have been reading many blogs lately where everyone is on the path to true self discovery. A group of us have even begun a mirror meditation (though I must admit that this week I didn’t do it at all, a time factor and hectic week). Then I realized that I never really make time for myself and haven’t since the birth of my daughter. There is also the underlying fact of all the drama and chaos I have gone through with my husband who I am now separated from.

Ironically, he gave me a half day at the spa certificate for my birthday that I finally used this past Friday. It was my first ever massage. I had a facial too, but haven’t had one in a while. It made me realize even more how I have let myself go; that I do not take the time to take care of me.

Even if it is not going to a spa, it is about the fact that since I had my daughter, I have given myself permission somehow to let myself go; I do not workout like I used to and I do not eat as healthy as I used to. I see that I do not value the person I was before my marriage and my child. I do not even live in the same body as the person I knew from before. I have become a me that I do not even remotely know nor do I remotely want to be.

I remember when I first came back to the U.S. after living in Germany to give up my life there so that I could put myself on a better career path. I made a huge transformation in my life. I worked out daily, I quit smoking and I was on a search to be a better me. Only that time is non- existent to me now, always trying to improve myself.

If I must be honest with myself, I have put all my tiredness and emotion into watching TV and drinking wine. Escapism, perhaps? Unfortunately, in the last two years of my life all my friends have moved away and those who remain are single. It just happens that you live a completely different lifestlye once you've had a child. So, I dealt with my husband's issues and , tried to make a normal life for my daughter. I also have covinced myself of not felt worthy enough, to go meet new friends. Which for the other "me" was never a reality. I have spent the last year or so in complete isolation. I fell ashamed and like a complete loser I know I have way to much to offer to the world, to stay trapped like this.

But this idea of blogging, even though at times I find it to be such a closed community, has allowed me to open up and express myself in ways that maybe I might not have otherwise. I find valuable comfort in reading other peoples blog’ s and realizing that I am not alone out there in feeling this way. It forces me to deal. I have tried endless amount of times to keep a journal and find myself going weeks or months without ever writing a word. But to be able to have prompts such as those of Sunday Scribbling’s is a blessing because I can truly write.

So, I would have to say if it was a question of “who else I could be,” it would be that I want to regain “me” back. The person, I had more self respect for, then the person I see daily in the mirror. The confident, outgoing, self assured and person that felt truly beautiful. The funny, adventurous and spontaneous person that I always was.

Somehow, she has vanished. I struggle daily with coming out of this funk I have put myself in and regain my identity. But at the same time I have begun taking baby steps. I have decided that I am going to cut out the drinking for awhile, I have begun to slowly working out again, and have included my daughter in the plan as well, so we now take walks or do yoga together.

I will continue to find inspiration in others and set obtainable goals for myself. I am confident that with a bit of time and my new outlook that I am creating for myself that “who else I could be” is to find myself again.

more Sunday Scribbling's here:

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Poetry Thursday ~ Unfinished Business

Who doesn’t have unfinished business? Just before my soon to be ex-husband moved to the U.S. and we were suppose to get married, the company where I work had just hired new IT contractors.

One day, in walked one of the contractors, who for some odd reason just caught my eye.
He wasn’t drop dead gorgeous or anything. In fact, he had this earthy, kind of Kevin Baconesque look that attracted me. He sported the I jsut got out of bed hairdo, jeans, flip flops and a t-shirt. 5'9, a thin but defined frame you could see his nice abs through his shirt. I repeat I was smitten.

When he finally came around to update my computer we started chatting and flirting a bit. So his personality was even better than his looks. Could this really be? It was at that moment that I started to get the butterflies in my stomach every time I saw him, or would blush when others talked about him. There was even a little part of me that though he made coming to work even more enjoyable, if I knew I would get to see him. And even though I would occasionally run into him outside of work at the most odd places, it never went further than our flirty conversations on the job.

The people I work with, especially the men, thought that I should take advantage and have one last fling before I got married, but this was just not my style and eventually his contract ended and my life continued. Three years later he has returned to working here as a contractor. Oh my, some people say when I see him a metamorphosis occurs.

No, if it must be said
I wasn’t in denial.
Just lying to myself perhaps or others
in order to shield myself from you,
finding out how hot I really thought you were.
Hiding the office whispers and giggles, the redness
which surfaced in my cheeks or the nervous way
of locking of my finger tips and twirling of my hands
at the mention of your name.

Yes, perhaps for the thrill
I should have thrown away my morals
and values for a romp in the sack .
At least I would have put and end to the mystery
of what in my fantasies I thought I was missing.
Un-clouding the images I had of being engaged
in your intoxicating smile and laughter while lying in your arms.
Secure in our flirtatious ways with one another.

Yes, I lusted after you, in fact I still do
whenever I set eyes on you.
But I am not so bold, nor secure
to make the approach, dive in and make the kill.

In fact I might never be secure enough and
the great peace in that fact is that it means
I will never loose my perfect image of you
or my giddy school girl crush.

~ Lisa 2006

more Poetry Thursday here:

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Sunday Scribblings #19 ~ "Who Else Might I Have Been?"

image courtesy of getty images

Can we be an object instead? I am not so sure that I would want to be another person. It only means taking on someone else’s problems and life. I am still in the midst of trying to get mine in order.

If I could choose at this moment to be something else I would want to be a book; though I love books of all genres, I would love to be a mainstream fiction book. I would like to be a well told story. One that someone would pick up time and time again to read, because they just loved the story and all the emotions they felt while reading it, that it gave that much meaning more to their life.

I would want to be a book for other reasons as well.
Books are the source for knowledge and enjoyment.
Books are great ways to escape into worlds unknown.
Books create and fuel emotions within us.
Books help bridge gaps in the world.
Books are diverse and unique.
Books are the source of many good and kind acts.

Without books in the world what good would it be for us to be human?

See other Scribblings here

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Poetry Thursday ~ Music

Last night I went with my little cousin to see Fiona Apple at Chastain Park. It seems so crazy to me to think that I haven’t been to see her in person before now. Especially, because I have been a big fan of hers, since her very first album. Somehow, one thing leads to another and I never really had the chance.

It was also my first time seeing a concert at this venue I saw her at. I have only two words “it rocked”. She is even more amazing live. Fiona’s lyrics as well as her music is intense and her band, outstanding. There is so much talent it is no surprise that you can’t be disappointed.
The whole time I was at the concert I was thinking to myself that I wanted to use the lyrics from her song “Better Version of Me” as this weeks Poetry Thursday entry. So wasn’t I pleasantly surprised when I came home, went to the site to see what the topic of the week was and found out the music was this week’s theme.

The song I am posting is one of my all time favorites from her new album “Extraordinary Machine”.
These past weeks on blogs I have been reading there has been a lot of writing about self discovery, bettering oneself, and moving forward in our lives. This is a point that I am at now myself and have been working on. Music and good musicians are a great way to seek refuge to help through the emotions that creep up.

"Better Version Of Me"

The nickel dropped
When I was on
My way beyond
The Rubicon
What did I do

And of the games that I can handle
None are ones worth the candle
What can I do
I'm a frightened, fickle person
Fighting, cryin', kickin', cursin'
What should I do

Oooh, after all the folderol,
And hauling over coals stops
What will I do

Can't take a good day without a bad one
Don't feel just to smile until I've had one
Where did I learn

I make a fuss about a little thing
The rhyme is losing to the riddling
Where's the turn

I don't want a home, I'd ruin that
Home is where my habits have a habitat
Why give it a turn

Oh, after all the folderol
And hauling over coals stops
What did I learn

I am likely to miss the main event
If I stop to cry or complain again
So I will keep a deliberate pace
Let the damned breeze dry my face

Oh, mister, wait until you see
What I'm gonna be

I've got a plan, a demand and it just began
And if you're right, you'll agree

Here's coming a better version of me
Here it comes a better version of me
Here it comes a better version of me

~ Fiona Apple

more music

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

I Simply Broke Down

Yesterday, I began the 2 month mirror meditation challenge. As I stood in front of the mirror and felt a surge of tears stream down my face. My cheeks became hot and flushed. I coudn't speak a word. I knew at that moment, that this was going to be good for me. This is going to be a release of everything that I have had pent up in me for so long. There was sadness in that mirror and I hope by the end of this challenge there will be joy.