Saturday, August 12, 2006

Sunday Scribblings #20 ~ "Who Else Can I Still Be?"

Last week’s prompt had me in a completely different place and when I read this week’s my mind flooded with so many thoughts I wasn’t sure where to begin.

I have been reading many blogs lately where everyone is on the path to true self discovery. A group of us have even begun a mirror meditation (though I must admit that this week I didn’t do it at all, a time factor and hectic week). Then I realized that I never really make time for myself and haven’t since the birth of my daughter. There is also the underlying fact of all the drama and chaos I have gone through with my husband who I am now separated from.

Ironically, he gave me a half day at the spa certificate for my birthday that I finally used this past Friday. It was my first ever massage. I had a facial too, but haven’t had one in a while. It made me realize even more how I have let myself go; that I do not take the time to take care of me.

Even if it is not going to a spa, it is about the fact that since I had my daughter, I have given myself permission somehow to let myself go; I do not workout like I used to and I do not eat as healthy as I used to. I see that I do not value the person I was before my marriage and my child. I do not even live in the same body as the person I knew from before. I have become a me that I do not even remotely know nor do I remotely want to be.

I remember when I first came back to the U.S. after living in Germany to give up my life there so that I could put myself on a better career path. I made a huge transformation in my life. I worked out daily, I quit smoking and I was on a search to be a better me. Only that time is non- existent to me now, always trying to improve myself.

If I must be honest with myself, I have put all my tiredness and emotion into watching TV and drinking wine. Escapism, perhaps? Unfortunately, in the last two years of my life all my friends have moved away and those who remain are single. It just happens that you live a completely different lifestlye once you've had a child. So, I dealt with my husband's issues and , tried to make a normal life for my daughter. I also have covinced myself of not felt worthy enough, to go meet new friends. Which for the other "me" was never a reality. I have spent the last year or so in complete isolation. I fell ashamed and like a complete loser I know I have way to much to offer to the world, to stay trapped like this.

But this idea of blogging, even though at times I find it to be such a closed community, has allowed me to open up and express myself in ways that maybe I might not have otherwise. I find valuable comfort in reading other peoples blog’ s and realizing that I am not alone out there in feeling this way. It forces me to deal. I have tried endless amount of times to keep a journal and find myself going weeks or months without ever writing a word. But to be able to have prompts such as those of Sunday Scribbling’s is a blessing because I can truly write.

So, I would have to say if it was a question of “who else I could be,” it would be that I want to regain “me” back. The person, I had more self respect for, then the person I see daily in the mirror. The confident, outgoing, self assured and person that felt truly beautiful. The funny, adventurous and spontaneous person that I always was.

Somehow, she has vanished. I struggle daily with coming out of this funk I have put myself in and regain my identity. But at the same time I have begun taking baby steps. I have decided that I am going to cut out the drinking for awhile, I have begun to slowly working out again, and have included my daughter in the plan as well, so we now take walks or do yoga together.

I will continue to find inspiration in others and set obtainable goals for myself. I am confident that with a bit of time and my new outlook that I am creating for myself that “who else I could be” is to find myself again.

more Sunday Scribbling's here:


Blogger Kamsin said...

It sounds like you have been through a lot. Sometimes being ourselves can seem like the hardest thing to do. I'm sure yoga and exercise will help. I really hope your 'baby steps' will get you back to who you want to be and you'll be able to put this phase of your life behind you. A really beautiful and honest post, thanks for sharing.

4:01 AM  
Blogger paris parfait said...

Lovely, honest post. It sounds as though if you keep taking those baby steps, you'll find the path you want to walk and be the person you already are, but perhaps have neglected for a while. It happens to all of us at one time for another. We're so busy caring for others, we put ourselves "on hold," when in fact we should be honouring ourselves first, so that we have the strength to handle all the rest of it. Wishing you much courage and strength in your journey. I have no doubt you'll reach your goals! Persistence is the key.

5:06 AM  
Blogger megg said...

I really think that by writing this down - putting it out there, you will begin to get everywhere you want to be. I'm so happy that you took your spa day - take your body and your self back from where it has gone. You deserve it and your daughter will only benefit from having a mother who cares for herself. xo

5:42 AM  
Anonymous bonnie said...

Because of what you have been through, I have a feeling that when you get back to the person you 'were', you will be an even better person. The lessons we learn in life seem to be the most difficult, and once we get over them, we are better off for them, and can even help others on their road to recovery. Keep pressing on, one step at a time.

7:36 AM  
Blogger miss*R said...

ahhh - a great post ! I think you have a lot in common with me - sheesh, I am still discovering who I am and each day it changes. The good thing about blogging is that I have met many women who encourage and cheer me on.
thanks for the comment on my blog - I hope we continue to keep in touch via this thing we call blogging - blessings & bliss !

8:28 AM  
Blogger chiefbiscuit said...

Thanks for reading my SS entry - I have enjoyed reading yours. I admire your incentive to do something about the disatisfaction you feel. You go for it! And all the best. I will be interested to keep reading and encouraging you.

8:56 AM  
Blogger Michelle said...

I have been in that place. I find that when there are negative changes happening, it is good to throw in a couple of positive ones to balance things out a bit. Keep up the walking--exercise keeps me sane. Life is good, and you sound like a facinating person, one whom I'd love to know. Keep your head up, sister!

9:29 AM  
Blogger Laini Taylor said...

This is really touching and beautiful, and it seems to me that being able to articulate so well what you want must be a good step towards getting there. It's so vital that you take care of you. Even for your child's sake, to grow up in the care of a happy, grounded parent who is living a satisfying life. It's so important! Nurture yourself!

11:08 AM  
Blogger severtheties said...

I am so with you on taking a backseat to everyone else's needs in my life. I think it's a trap we fall into and I think that for myself, it was a trap I willingly went into because I thought it made me a better person to be selfless...I wear being selfless as a badge of honor when it's really just negating who I am and who I want to be.

11:20 AM  
Anonymous Marilyn said...

Thank you for stopping by my blog. How wonderful to have had that spa day as a gift--you deserve to take care of yourself. Although I don't have a child, I have been in a place where I felt very isolated, so I do understand what it's like to want to get back to ME. I encourage you to keep blogging, and I'm sorry to hear that it feels like a closed community to you. Hopefully with time--as you 'meet' more and more bloggers--it won't. Blogging came into my life during that isolated period and has given me so very much in terms of community. I wish the same for you.

11:24 AM  
Blogger kj said...

having a child changes everything, including your footing and rhythm.

one step at a time,little moments snatched for yourself patience seem to help!

thanks for visiting my new sunday scribbles and for your honestujfetm words this week.

12:07 PM  
Blogger GreenishLady said...

This prompt seems to have drawn out so many wishes that people feel they can approach by baby steps. They seem to be key, and you have made some very important baby steps - and a big step in articulating how you feel right here, in entrusting it to the blogging community. Keep on going one step at a time.

1:10 PM  
Blogger Tammy said...

You are very brave and honest. I have been where you are at and I'm so proud of you for putting it out there and taking steps. I want to be your cheerleader because I remember it like yesterday. I'll be back soon :) You go girl!

8:46 PM  
Blogger confessions of a social hermit said...

hey babe!
well... to echo everyone else's sentiment... realizing stuff is the first step... and knowing to pace yourself back into the world is vital to a healthy road to happiness...
i hope you find not the old you.. but a new and improved version of your former self...
and just on a side note... it's been so nice to be able to reconnect with you after so many years!!!
take care..
and know that you have a friend just across the border!
the hermit

2:33 AM  
Blogger Bug said...

This is a very brave and honest post, and a hopeful one in some ways. First, because you realize that you want to have your old self back, and that's the first step. Second, because you say that you realize you're wasting yourself by not sharing yourself--very true and a good sign that you are valueing yourself, even just a little bit. And I also hope you keep on blogging! I love the community aspect of it, and realizing, like you said so beautifully, that we're all going through something.

10:27 AM  
Blogger Roadchick said...

The 'chick has been there and it's a long road back out again. Be brave and be true to yourself!

3:12 PM  
Blogger AscenderRisesAbove said...

The mirror meditation sounds very difficult!

It is much more difficult to make changes when a child is present I think -- they like things the same; they thrive on it. Be gentle with yourself!

5:33 PM  
Blogger Patry Francis said...

Baby steps. I have to remind myself of that every day...

10:56 PM  

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